Holding on part I

I am holding on!!!! I am not kidding anyone that everything is "peachy keen", but I have been reminded during this storm, of several things. I thought that talking about them could be
helpful too.!!!! Maybe I will just get to one now...

I want to reiterate that it is always better to talk and get what is bothering us off our chest. There is a time for this...but whether it takes longer or sooner to get there...we must surely come to a place where we pour out our hearts to those near to us.

I was hurting so bad that I just could´t talk for fear of continual break down if you know what I mean. I had been crying all time and the thought of exposing my pain all over again felt like I was opening up the wound and the blood was gushing out. This was a serious state of affairs.


I thought that if I am tired of going over the same problems, my friends will be too.... they can´t help me anyway, so why bother? I just want out.... away ... a safe place alone. I didn´t want to talk about this pain any more, I had had enough and I was signing out, resigning from life....

I want a free ticket please to anywhere but here!

In cutting myself off I don´t allow those who love me to help or express their love. Yes, I know that they can´t always help change anything at that point, but they can love ON me and remind me that I am not alone.

A wounded dog will seek out a safe place to hide so that it can recover. In his pain it requires a special kind of someone to approach them as they will lash out. It´s similar with us, but the worst thing that can happen to you is to be left alone. Not only do you sink deeper into your misery, you end up dying. Seriously! You just give up. Humans need humans to survive whether we like it or not! It´s the only way out and up.(obviously God is a key player here too, but I was just exposing the human factor here!!)

I am glad I have a husband, kids, sisters, and dear friends that have pursued me, but who have also needed to know how to wait for me to come round. It´s important to know when to ask and when to simply hold still and just be by my side. It´s a hard balance and there are no 3 easy step formulas. It takes lots of love and patience, but it works!

When I opened up = it did help. It did ease the ache. I think we convince ourselves of the opposite so quickly. This is a clever strategy of the enemy whose only desire is to see God´s chosen destroyed. Yes see us dead physically, emotionally and spiritually. Any combination is fine!

Once you are alone and singled out, you are easy prey just like in the animal kingdom... That is the strategy the lion uses to pursue his prey. He seeks out the strays, the young and weak or the unprotected...those away from the herd.

It´s true that our friends and loved ones can give no easy answers, no quick deals, no one size fits all solutions.. but they can give support, understanding, comfort and company. There are little acts of kindness that can break the monotony of frustration and pain, and bring a spark of hope. That´s what the white tulips did for me. It´s crazy, but it´s true. And if God can do that for me...He will do it for you.

My friend Karen from Karen´s Korner has a quote on her blog that says, "Share the gospel and if necessary use words. " A truer word could not have be spoken. In these moments, often words are surplus. There are actions that can reach beyond the words.

I have learned again that I need to open up and reach out, especially when I am hurting. Let others love on me and care for me even if it doesn't actually change any of my circumstances or eradicate my pain. I need to know I am not alone.

White Tulips

I love white tulips! A very dear friend went to great lengths to send me some because she knows I love them. She knew it would cheer my heart. It did. It still does when I look at them.

Isn´t it amazing when all around you seems dismal, a little touch of thoughtfulness can go a long, long way.

Not much in my panoroma has changed, some pain still remains. There has been a change in perspective about some things.

Sadly new struggles have appeared on the horizon for others that are close to me. Their pain far exceeds my own. This is always good as it gets the attention off oneself!!

My family has come to visit from Guernsey which has bought a lot of comfort. Sadly both my sister in law and I have been sick with the flu!

A very big thank you to all of you who have written emails of concern and for all of your prayers. They are greatly appreciated!

High Speed Train

Christmas and New Year´s have passed me by.

It´s as if a high speed train would pass in front of me and I would stand there watching it from a distance only to feel a deafening silence and emptiness once the train had disappeared out of sight.

Here I stand, enveloped by the silence of the vast openess that surrounds me and all I am aware of is the ache of disappointment and resignation that resides in my heart.

An overwhelming desire to escape consumes me as my logic can no longer battle against the pain in my heart. It finds no sense to continue and no reason to fight. Year in and year out all my efforts have been futile and my results wanting. How long can the heart withstand? How long can the soul fight failure?

The Bible talks about a hope deferred making the heart sick. My heart is sick. I have not abanonded ship, but the storm is in process. I am waiting for God. I need to learn how to live with this disappointment and not let it steal my hope...although right now .....it feels like it has! Each day gives me the chance to, little by little, grasp on to God inspite of my present state of mind and soul.

I would have like to have been more my jolly self and inspire you over Christmas with light and life, but I am being true to my present state. I am trusting by faith that maybe in a few tomorrows´s my inner self with live up to God´s reality in my life.

The Canary

I have never owned a canary, but my sister has one. He is your classic yellow bird with a tremendous capacity to make a lot of noise! He squeeks, squirks, sings and throws his seed all over the floor -a truly enjoyable pet!

His cage is happily situated in the kitchen where we often sit having a cup of tea and a chat. Naturually we often find ourselves engrossed in different topics of conversation only to discover that our yellow companion joins in! More often than not the bird tends to "out talk" us becoming loud and squirky or simply singing at the top of his lungs! Often we only realize this when we have raised our voices to such a pitch as to hear ourselves over the bird!!!! It´s quite funny actually even though we mutter a somewhat frustrated "shut up" under our breath!

One day, not so long ago, our dear canary friend was strangely quiet. He was still and silent inside his cage and did not join in our conversation or burst into song.

Canaries stop singing for several reasons. They may not sing if they are in the cold or if they are ill. But one of the causes that really caught my attention was that they also stop singing when the molt. This usually happens once a year during the summer and can last between 6 - 8 weeks.

The canary is loosing it´s plummage .... and stops singing. It is stripped and doesn´t find anything to sing about.

Right now I find myself feeling like that molting canary. I feel "stripped" and discouraged and have lost my song.

I wish that I wasn´t writing such a "low" post, but I can't muster what isn´t there into being and felt I needed to be transparent! I am hoping that this time of molting...which I do believe that God is using inspite of the present pain and discomfort I am living... will soon pass.

What?

Here I am with my oldest son , almost 16yrs, at the onset of the famous "changing of roles" that takes place between parents and children when a certain age is reached.....

THE AGE WHEN THEY TEACH US!!!!

As I looked at this foto, I thought how great it was that we had captured this moment on camera.

I appear to be somewhat less interested than I should be at No 1´ss intent to explain the intricacies of digital video cameras, don´t I? I don´t think I was as disinterested as I appeared, but this image has crystallized the end of an era.

The era when us Mum´s and Dad´s are no longer "all knowing" in our children´s eyes. It´s when we begin to ask the questions and they give the answers..... especially when it concerns modern cons like computers, digital cameras, gidjets and gadgets, and last but definitely not least: the latest generation of mobile phones!

I remember the feeling I had when this phenomenon happened to me. My chest burst with pride as I explained to my parents something they didn´t know and I couldn´t help but savour the feeling that somehow I was on par with them... at least on one level!

You have reached the moment when your opinon is valued in your parents eyes as that of a peer and no longer that of a child. If the parents respond well to this "reverse of roles", it can be a tremendous boost to the self esteem of any child, as my personal experience has shown me.

So, sitting on this couch with my son explaining the newest digital technology, I knew that he needed me to fill up the hot air balloon of his self esteem and let it soar high! I trust I did just that even though the picture appears to give credit to the opposite!

Sadly, not all areas of growing up and maturing are as straight forward as being knowledgeable in the technical department! As we look back at our teenage years, I have yet to meet anyone who would want to relive the hormonal, roller coaster ride of their puberty years!

Do you remember the first time you fell in love? (I can see that sparkle in your eyes!!!!) Do you remember first time your heart was broken? (how quickly that sparkle went!!!)How about the frustration of "what will they think?" and "what will they say if....." And the fear to top all fears .... not to stand out for whatever reason!

If we compare our "experience" of yesteryear with now, we realize that we wasted alot of energy suffering and agonizing over things that wouldn't even take a wink of sleep away now. How we wish we could have calmed our fears back then with the knowledge we have today.

The hard thing is when you are going through the trial, those classic pep talks and black and white one size fits all solutions, don´t seem to hit the spot do they. Like when your heart is broken, and with all the well meaning, heartfelt desire to help in the world they say, "Don't worry, there are plenty more fish in the sea!!" And you say..... "I don´t care about the other fish..... I wanted THAT fish!"

The reality is, that you are not really looking for an answer or a solution. You just want to have your feelings validated and then a hug that says.... I know how hard it must be. With that, you feel that maybe, just maybe this present pain will with time fade and maybe just maybe, there might be someone more wonderful than wonderful waiting around the next bend.

God knows about that kind of pain and our need to hear that voice of reassurance. I remember one of those moments and this was the verse God gave me which soothed my heart ache and comforted my soul.

John 13:7

You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."

I remember how it felt to the ache that was in my heart....It wasn´t a made to fit solution, not you will get over type of answer, but it gave me the assurance that God knew what I felt right now. I didn´t need to have the details... just know, that someday all this hurt, confusion and even pain that I was feeling, later He would let me understand.

It´s hard to see children, family and friends suffer, but they don´t always needs answers or solutions...just to know that we understand their present pain, that it is real and valid. This is the greatest offering of friendship one can give.

The importance of the process

When Pharaoh let the people go,
God DID NOT lead them on the road through the Philistine country,
THOUGH THAT WAS SHORTER.
For God said, "If they face war, they might change their minds and return to Egypt." So God led the people around by the desert road toward the Red Sea.
EX 13:17/18

During the Service on Sunday these two verses literally jumped out and grabbed me! I wouldn´t be the least bit suprized if my body language would have reflected both my surprize and amazement upon my discovery of this truth to those distracted enough during the sermon to notice!!!!

Isn't it wonderful when you begin to see that "connecting" thread that God weaves through your life? When you begin to recognize a certain "sense and continuity" to the lessons and experiences God is bringing you through?

I was reminded that God is much more interested in the PROCESS rather than the goal. It´s how I get to where I am going that matters.


My two boys have be studying for 3 hours daily during this past month to prepare for exams that start today. In Spain, the Secondary School System provides the opportunity to recuperate a given subject by sitting an extraordinary exam representative of the year. If you failed the year in several subjects, to recuperate them all is quite a task, considering the amount of information that needs to be studied.

Our boys had many exams to recuperate and the likely hood of them passing them all is somewhat unlikely. In all fairness, it seemed unrealistic to even attempt to make them study with very little hope of passing and the inevitability of repeating the year anyway.

But we felt it important for them to learn the value of trying and giving one's best in the light of the opportunity rendered to them, and not just resign (give up) to the inevitable.

Process:
a particular course of action intended to achieve a result;
the action of going forward,
the condition of being carried on.

As parents we are looking to the process. The process of learning discipline towards our responsibilities in life no matter what the outcome. It´s not a question of grades. (Hey, but I would love to see those too... believe me....!!!)

This takes me back to how God doesn´t lead us to the short cut through the Philistine country because He knows us and how we would change our minds! God´s mind is on the process and not just the goal.

Their goal was to reach the promised land, a land filled with milk and honey! But the process lead them the long way (reminds me of my long and winding road...) because for God, the goal isn´t the prize, rather it is what we learn in the process.

The process prepares us for the prize.

During the process, our dear Father is laying important building blocks that prepare us for life and the Promised Land....(even if it is filled with giants!!!!!)

But the process isn´t all learning and discipline....."God led the people around by the desert road toward the Red Sea." We have the privilege of looking back in history already knowing the outcome, unlike the dear people of Israel. They were unaware that they were about to encounter one the the Bible´s most spectacular recorded miracles : The parting of the Red Sea.

If we would go the short road, we would not only miss out on the process, but also the miracles! God is interested in the process, because he is interested in us. His interest is based on his tremendous love for us and our character, laced with his awesome power and delight in being the God of the impossible.

And there runs my thread again, weaving itself in and out of my thoughts and the process He has been leading me through over the last days and weeks. It is of the utmost comfort to see that God´s dealings in my life have both purpose and meaning despite the difficulties and pain. This understanding encourages us to go on doesn´t it??

The Black Hole

Black Hole: Loosely speaking, a black hole is a region of space that has so much mass concentrated in it that there is no way for a nearby object to escape its gravitational pull.

This is the 3rd time I try and sit down to write about my own personal black hole, only to have it lost in the black hole of cyberspace!!!..... so here we go again!

Last week I was confronted again with my inner black hole.

Yes, I don´t know if we all have one... but I know I do.... It´s like seeing yourself face to face in the mirror.... those parts of you that rear their ugly head once in a while, areas in your life you would rather wish away, your gross weaknesses stand blatant before you and you feel yourself being pulled, without escape, into that black hole in your soul, where if were not for the GRACE of GOD would we disappear forever without trace. Yes, I am talking about those"thorns" in our flesh that we beg God to remove, but He graciously denies, rather promises to draw us through whatever our "thorn" may be into a place of victory.

As I was faced with my black hole or "thorn", I wanted so desperately to hide it from myself and others... somehow protect my "fate", "my pride", my innermost "shame" at my gross short comings, utter inadequacy and what most deeply hurts: my failure.

When we have a splinter, or thorn in this case, in our flesh, it so desperately hurts when it is touched or knocked, other than that, you can continue living "inspite of" it´s apparent existence. My thorn had been knocked and I was re-confronted (is that a word?) with the nearness of my black hole. It hurt and I wanted so desperately to run..... But where can your run from yourself?


I felt myself being pulled by the minute, seemingly without escape, into my black hole and all I could do was to cry in my pain to God..... Only then did I realize that my black hole has power when I believe that there is no hope. No hope, that I can change, that the situation can change or that God can do the impossible. Or maybe that God indeed might not take away my struggles, giving me instead the grace to walk through my dis mull failures....

I guess this entry goes to all those people who see me as the eternal optimist, that are innocently unaware of the deep waters that often stir my soul and overwhelm me with feelings of utter inadequacy beyond measure. To all of you.... I can only say my level optimism is matched with an equal depth of pessimism. Somehow in all of that, God manages to still love me and I am not lost into my black hole, never to return.

I watched a movie last week that kind of echoed a feeling I felt at that very moment: "You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found: WANTING." Man, how often do I hear these words echo in my soul.... you have been found WANTING... and boy does it make you want run into the black hole and not even wait for it to pull you in!!!!

2Cor 12:7
And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

So why didn´t I fall into my black hole? Because God showed my that inspite of myself, He is still God.... inspite of my failings, God is able to work and do miracles....I mustn't trust in myself.... Only in God.

God free me of my pride!

RAIN

RAIN:

Condensed moisture of the atmosphere
falling in separate drops.

“The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain.”

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

These last couple of days have bought with them showers of very necessary rain. For Spain, this is an answer to prayer!

We have had several years of extreme scarcity of "condensed moisture" falling on our Iberian soil, so when it does occur you will never hear any complaints. With our reservoirs at dangerously low levels, no-one would "dare" voice negative thoughts about this rare and priceless element.

Spain has always been the travellers paradise precisely for it´s infallible sunshine, especially sought after by the Brits and Germans who are drawn to this warming quality(and we can all understand why!!)

“Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain”

But isn´t it interesting to realize, that even too much sun, can have a devastating effect? We see that here in the natural, Could it also be true in our lives? We actually long for sun, constant sunshine, as if it is the only form of happiness and despise the rain because it makes our life gray and sad, it´s always inconvenient, and definitely wet! Haven´t you noticed that it always rains in the movies when something sad or bad is happening?

If sunshine is happiness, then rain represents everything that isn´t. As constant seekers of happiness we despise the rain ... run from it where possible....and we find it hard to see God in our rain, fearing that there is no "dance in the rain" and no song.

Life is like a rainbow. You need both the sun and the rain to make its colors appear.”

We do! We need both rain and sun to be truley balanced and satisfied human beings. Not that anyone of us in the natural (hey there are a few exc eptions, I know!) begs for rain, or to continue with our analogy: challenges and difficulties in our lives. But when we are able to see the effects of too much sun, as we do in Spain, we can then accept the rain without complaining...because we KNOW we NEED it!

“God didn't promise days without pain,

laughter without sorrow,

sun without rain,

but He did promise strength for the day,

comfort for the tears, and light for the way.”

I have to be honest. I dislike rain, and I also find it very difficult to "dance" in my times of hardship..I´m learning to sing in the rain of my difficulties.(to coin a phrase!)

Growing up in Guernsey has given me my fair "share" of rain to suffice my appreciation for rain for the rest of my life...... but I have been able to enjoy Spanish rain and especially electrical summer storms which I find spectacular. I have even danced in them and opened my mouth to catch it.... I guess it´s all a matter of perspective!!!!