Retreating with DH

For just over a week now, my DH has been off work, which has been a real blessing.

Uually we take this "extra" days to go away for a few days, but this time it hasn´t been financially possible, so we have been enjoying the open fire in our chimney and taking a few trips here and there but making sure that we are back when the kids got out of school.


These are the moments when we really catch up with each other and enjoy some long talks and praying together. We took advantage to update our worship songs repetoire both in German (we have been invited to lead worsip at a marriage retreat in Germany at the end of this month) and in Spanish which has been a project left pending for way too long.

It does require time to sit down and embrace the new songs and learn them, but it has been a really blessing to allow God to minister to both of us... especially me. There are some new songs that I could really identify with and seem to be "annointed" for the moment.

Looking at the German songs has been a challenge as we have not led worship in German for over 15 years!!! You can say that fast, but boy it´s a long time and it's easy to feel a little overwhelmed and insecure getting back into it.

We made a head start but we still need some more time to really feel free and flow in these things.. God is gracious and treats us so tenderly.

God´s tenderness amazes me every time....catches me by surprize and humbles me. When you feel most vulnerable God meets you with His tenderness and not judgement, with grace and not critisism, and with love and not rejection. It´s the father meeting the prodigal son as he sees him "far off" and runs to meet him. Isn´t that so beautiful?


I am so glad he weighs the motives of the heart. He sees my feeble attempts to reach out for Him and stretch out for new things He meets me right there. He doesn't expect perfection before allowing me be used.... I feel that I am bathing in this truth more than ever before.


I am enjoying the fact that, as I mention in a previous post, I don't have the energy at present to worry about what people think or trying to impress anyone.... a weakness I will probably struggle with all of my life until I am completly free in heaven!!!!

I have been so tired from events that happen before Christmas, that it has left me without fight in me to prove myself if you know what I mean... which naturally is very good.

It´s what Paul talks about when he says... "...may He increase and I decrease" .... May God be more evident and real that any of my talents and abilities... which He gave me in the first place!!!!

A few days ago "Word for the day from UCB" they have been talking about gifts and character. Here is an excert taken from the daily devotion for Feb 1st:

Scriptural keys to success in life (1)
01 Feb 2008

" 'A man's gift makes room for him.' PROVERBS 18:16
Your giftedness will get you noticed, separate you from the rest of the pack

and give you a head start on others...................

"Mega-best-selling author Stephen King asserts that,

'Talent is cheaper than table salt. What separates the talented

individual from the successful one is a lot of hard work.' Much of

that work takes place in your character and your private world.

Haven't you known people who should have risen to the top but didn't?

They had all the talent they'd ever need, but they didn't succeed.

Their talent made them stand out but their lack of integrity made them sit down.

Their friends, families, coaches and bosses saw their giftedness

but wondered why they kept falling short of expectations.

Their talent opened the door but their wrong choices shut it. " "

God is more interested in my character than in my gifts and talents... I want my charcter to be able to hold up my talents and this requires hard work, much purifying and heaps full of humility and recognizaton that:
without Him I can do nothing that is of value but WITH Him I can do all things! Only in God can I and do I become all He has dreamt me to be!

Be true to yourself!

To thine own self be true,

and it must follow, as the night the day,
thou canst not then be false to any man.

~William Shakespeare, Hamlet

This quote pretty much encompasses the experience I want to share with you.

Remember I shared with you how overwhelmed I had been with negative feelings about my practical after visiting the Nursing Home? Well I had another incident happen a few days earlier that confronted me face to face with that time too, but I had kept it to myself!

I was shopping with my sister in our local supermarket when out the corner of my eye I saw one of the ladies I had worked with at the Nursing Home. I am ashamed to admit this, but I avoided her and managed to do my shopping and leave the supermarket without her seeing me or having to talk to her.

What was I afraid of? I was scared to hear her say the words, "Well you didn´t last long did you?! It´s people like you who make this profession a laughing stock!!" or something along those lines.

As I was hiding behind the the boxes of crisps and the cleaning supplies, I tried to justify to myself why I couldn't´t handle talking with this lady and facing up to what had happened. The dreaded meeting never took place, but I left there feeling guilty and yucky inside.

Why? Because I knew I was running away, hiding and not facing up to what had happened. I didn´t want to admit failure and look blatant in front of her or anyone. I had stopped my practical... I couldn´t go on... and that was the truth... Why hide?...

I had nothing to loose really except my pride. Pride is pretending to be something that I am not... to be better than I really am.

I was like Adam and Eve in the garden hiding from God after they ate from the tree.

I was afraid of admitting I couldn´t finish what I had started... afraid of the consequences... Everything in me tried to convince me that being transparent was NOT the right way to go. What deceit!

I knew I was struggling with a false sense of humility....(which is pride ).... The Holy Spirit convicted me that I just had to accept and be up front about what had happened. To be honest and humble and in doing so I would find peace. To be true to God, myself and others. God would help me deal with whatever would arise as a result of the past.

I am ashamed now to say that I acted this way. I know that in hiding and running away you just magnify the problem and give room for lies to take over rather than lessen them.

I decided that I didn´t want to run away from it anymore... I wanted to face up to my failings and be humble and live openly with all that I am !

God in his mercy allowed me yesterday to meet yet another fellow worker from the Nursing Home while at the Market. I struck up conversation with her knowing that I could face all kinds of accusations. She was one of the few trained nurses in the Home and had always be helpful and caring to patients and fellow staff and towards me.

Inwardly I braced myself for the inevitable attack.....but you know what? It never came!!!!

She actually shared that she wasn´t working there any more because she had received a better offer to upgrade her studies and so took it. She even consoled me and confirmed the reality of some of my struggles!!! Talk about gob smacked!

It felt great!!! I felt great!!!

Not only because she had made me feel right about my decision at the time to leave, but also because I had decided to stand up for what I had done and be honest instead of running away and hiding. God gave me the grace to do it... and you know what.... I prefer that much more than running away!

I hope you would feel encouraged next time you find yourself in a similar situation to stand firm and be transparent and not run away..... ...God is faithful to help us with whatever might become of the particular situation we dread and to be at peace with yourself is well worth it! There is such a darkness that surrounds you when you hide and try and cover up.....which reminds me of one of my favourite verses that shows us the opposite :

Hey Karolee.... I got it to work! I did it again and realized where I had gone wrong....thanks a bunch for your help!!!!

The Cracked Water Pot

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck.

One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master's house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."

"Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?"

"I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some.

But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and

I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."

The moral of this story is:
Each of us has our own unique flaws.

We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.

You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them.

There is a lot of good out there.

There is a lot of good in you! Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.

Remember to appreciate all the different people in your life!

The Black Hole

Black Hole: Loosely speaking, a black hole is a region of space that has so much mass concentrated in it that there is no way for a nearby object to escape its gravitational pull.

This is the 3rd time I try and sit down to write about my own personal black hole, only to have it lost in the black hole of cyberspace!!!..... so here we go again!

Last week I was confronted again with my inner black hole.

Yes, I don´t know if we all have one... but I know I do.... It´s like seeing yourself face to face in the mirror.... those parts of you that rear their ugly head once in a while, areas in your life you would rather wish away, your gross weaknesses stand blatant before you and you feel yourself being pulled, without escape, into that black hole in your soul, where if were not for the GRACE of GOD would we disappear forever without trace. Yes, I am talking about those"thorns" in our flesh that we beg God to remove, but He graciously denies, rather promises to draw us through whatever our "thorn" may be into a place of victory.

As I was faced with my black hole or "thorn", I wanted so desperately to hide it from myself and others... somehow protect my "fate", "my pride", my innermost "shame" at my gross short comings, utter inadequacy and what most deeply hurts: my failure.

When we have a splinter, or thorn in this case, in our flesh, it so desperately hurts when it is touched or knocked, other than that, you can continue living "inspite of" it´s apparent existence. My thorn had been knocked and I was re-confronted (is that a word?) with the nearness of my black hole. It hurt and I wanted so desperately to run..... But where can your run from yourself?


I felt myself being pulled by the minute, seemingly without escape, into my black hole and all I could do was to cry in my pain to God..... Only then did I realize that my black hole has power when I believe that there is no hope. No hope, that I can change, that the situation can change or that God can do the impossible. Or maybe that God indeed might not take away my struggles, giving me instead the grace to walk through my dis mull failures....

I guess this entry goes to all those people who see me as the eternal optimist, that are innocently unaware of the deep waters that often stir my soul and overwhelm me with feelings of utter inadequacy beyond measure. To all of you.... I can only say my level optimism is matched with an equal depth of pessimism. Somehow in all of that, God manages to still love me and I am not lost into my black hole, never to return.

I watched a movie last week that kind of echoed a feeling I felt at that very moment: "You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found: WANTING." Man, how often do I hear these words echo in my soul.... you have been found WANTING... and boy does it make you want run into the black hole and not even wait for it to pull you in!!!!

2Cor 12:7
And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

So why didn´t I fall into my black hole? Because God showed my that inspite of myself, He is still God.... inspite of my failings, God is able to work and do miracles....I mustn't trust in myself.... Only in God.

God free me of my pride!

Trip to Sigüenza with the Red Cross

The Cathedral - Sigüenza

This is one of the three doors that align the front of this amazing cathedral which can be found in Sigüenza. The name given this grand entrance is "La Puerta del Perdon", or translated: "The Door of forgiveness."

Our tour guide explained to us that there was given but one day a year that you could enter through this door and have your sins forgiven for the whole year. After which, you were subsequently "free to sin" until the next year without a guility conscience or any remorse!!!! Of course, little did our very knowledgeable guide know, we actually do have such an access, yet it is continually available .......

Even though I know that the throne of Grace is always approachable, I found the symbolism of this door and many other things explained to me and Deb and other Red Cross volunteers on our visit to Sigüenza, very inspiring and enlightening. Such detail and meaning was given into each architectual and decorative artifact; from the direction the cathedral was facing, to the highest window where the first rays of sunshine came through bathing the cross on the main alter in dazzling sunlight; to the paintings of famous artists such as Grecko of the Angel Appearing to Mary and the awesome ingraved oak drawers that lined the chambers behind the alter.

It made me realize how superficial our modern society has become, with our attitude of "¿que más da?" (what difference does it make anyway?) what way the building faces and where the sunshine first comes through window...I mean ..."whatever!!!" Does God really care about this anyway? Isn´t that just religiosity, tradition.....and vanity?

History has proven that these holy buildings in many ways have been reduced to just that....empty forms and rituales that take place in meaningless golden cages where God feels anything other than close. Rather Jesus is aloof and unreacheable, surrounded by statues and candles, and an air of, " Sorry, God moved out centuries ago!" (and we have no forwarding address!!!)

Yet, in me was awoken, an awareness of depth and colour that in re discovering the great lengths to which our forefathers have had in thought and excellence with regards to the major and minor details of this precious cathedral, I found this characteristic to be dormant in me. It was like seeing in full technicolour after years of black and white!!

It seems that in our modernday Christianity we appear to have lost something very vital to our faith: Symbolism. In our afan to bring God close and in some degree "to our level " , we may have exchanged the one extreme for the other and thus lost the value of both realities.

God paid special attention to detail and this thread of His character can be traced all the way through the bible. Only which upon closer inspection becomes more and more evident. God goes to great lengths to express His love and truth with excellence and attention to detail. May we not let pass by opportunites to enrichen our lives with the depths of these realities, giving special attention to the art of symbolism that we have allowed escape us for the fear of bondage that these rituales may lead to death.

I am glad God cares about detail and about me and how many hairs are on my head and what I shall eat and what I shall wear. Hey, I am a woman... what I wear definitely is important to me.... Thanks God for the new additiones to my wardrobe....

ally