Holding on part I

I am holding on!!!! I am not kidding anyone that everything is "peachy keen", but I have been reminded during this storm, of several things. I thought that talking about them could be
helpful too.!!!! Maybe I will just get to one now...

I want to reiterate that it is always better to talk and get what is bothering us off our chest. There is a time for this...but whether it takes longer or sooner to get there...we must surely come to a place where we pour out our hearts to those near to us.

I was hurting so bad that I just could´t talk for fear of continual break down if you know what I mean. I had been crying all time and the thought of exposing my pain all over again felt like I was opening up the wound and the blood was gushing out. This was a serious state of affairs.


I thought that if I am tired of going over the same problems, my friends will be too.... they can´t help me anyway, so why bother? I just want out.... away ... a safe place alone. I didn´t want to talk about this pain any more, I had had enough and I was signing out, resigning from life....

I want a free ticket please to anywhere but here!

In cutting myself off I don´t allow those who love me to help or express their love. Yes, I know that they can´t always help change anything at that point, but they can love ON me and remind me that I am not alone.

A wounded dog will seek out a safe place to hide so that it can recover. In his pain it requires a special kind of someone to approach them as they will lash out. It´s similar with us, but the worst thing that can happen to you is to be left alone. Not only do you sink deeper into your misery, you end up dying. Seriously! You just give up. Humans need humans to survive whether we like it or not! It´s the only way out and up.(obviously God is a key player here too, but I was just exposing the human factor here!!)

I am glad I have a husband, kids, sisters, and dear friends that have pursued me, but who have also needed to know how to wait for me to come round. It´s important to know when to ask and when to simply hold still and just be by my side. It´s a hard balance and there are no 3 easy step formulas. It takes lots of love and patience, but it works!

When I opened up = it did help. It did ease the ache. I think we convince ourselves of the opposite so quickly. This is a clever strategy of the enemy whose only desire is to see God´s chosen destroyed. Yes see us dead physically, emotionally and spiritually. Any combination is fine!

Once you are alone and singled out, you are easy prey just like in the animal kingdom... That is the strategy the lion uses to pursue his prey. He seeks out the strays, the young and weak or the unprotected...those away from the herd.

It´s true that our friends and loved ones can give no easy answers, no quick deals, no one size fits all solutions.. but they can give support, understanding, comfort and company. There are little acts of kindness that can break the monotony of frustration and pain, and bring a spark of hope. That´s what the white tulips did for me. It´s crazy, but it´s true. And if God can do that for me...He will do it for you.

My friend Karen from Karen´s Korner has a quote on her blog that says, "Share the gospel and if necessary use words. " A truer word could not have be spoken. In these moments, often words are surplus. There are actions that can reach beyond the words.

I have learned again that I need to open up and reach out, especially when I am hurting. Let others love on me and care for me even if it doesn't actually change any of my circumstances or eradicate my pain. I need to know I am not alone.

Be true to yourself!

To thine own self be true,

and it must follow, as the night the day,
thou canst not then be false to any man.

~William Shakespeare, Hamlet

This quote pretty much encompasses the experience I want to share with you.

Remember I shared with you how overwhelmed I had been with negative feelings about my practical after visiting the Nursing Home? Well I had another incident happen a few days earlier that confronted me face to face with that time too, but I had kept it to myself!

I was shopping with my sister in our local supermarket when out the corner of my eye I saw one of the ladies I had worked with at the Nursing Home. I am ashamed to admit this, but I avoided her and managed to do my shopping and leave the supermarket without her seeing me or having to talk to her.

What was I afraid of? I was scared to hear her say the words, "Well you didn´t last long did you?! It´s people like you who make this profession a laughing stock!!" or something along those lines.

As I was hiding behind the the boxes of crisps and the cleaning supplies, I tried to justify to myself why I couldn't´t handle talking with this lady and facing up to what had happened. The dreaded meeting never took place, but I left there feeling guilty and yucky inside.

Why? Because I knew I was running away, hiding and not facing up to what had happened. I didn´t want to admit failure and look blatant in front of her or anyone. I had stopped my practical... I couldn´t go on... and that was the truth... Why hide?...

I had nothing to loose really except my pride. Pride is pretending to be something that I am not... to be better than I really am.

I was like Adam and Eve in the garden hiding from God after they ate from the tree.

I was afraid of admitting I couldn´t finish what I had started... afraid of the consequences... Everything in me tried to convince me that being transparent was NOT the right way to go. What deceit!

I knew I was struggling with a false sense of humility....(which is pride ).... The Holy Spirit convicted me that I just had to accept and be up front about what had happened. To be honest and humble and in doing so I would find peace. To be true to God, myself and others. God would help me deal with whatever would arise as a result of the past.

I am ashamed now to say that I acted this way. I know that in hiding and running away you just magnify the problem and give room for lies to take over rather than lessen them.

I decided that I didn´t want to run away from it anymore... I wanted to face up to my failings and be humble and live openly with all that I am !

God in his mercy allowed me yesterday to meet yet another fellow worker from the Nursing Home while at the Market. I struck up conversation with her knowing that I could face all kinds of accusations. She was one of the few trained nurses in the Home and had always be helpful and caring to patients and fellow staff and towards me.

Inwardly I braced myself for the inevitable attack.....but you know what? It never came!!!!

She actually shared that she wasn´t working there any more because she had received a better offer to upgrade her studies and so took it. She even consoled me and confirmed the reality of some of my struggles!!! Talk about gob smacked!

It felt great!!! I felt great!!!

Not only because she had made me feel right about my decision at the time to leave, but also because I had decided to stand up for what I had done and be honest instead of running away and hiding. God gave me the grace to do it... and you know what.... I prefer that much more than running away!

I hope you would feel encouraged next time you find yourself in a similar situation to stand firm and be transparent and not run away..... ...God is faithful to help us with whatever might become of the particular situation we dread and to be at peace with yourself is well worth it! There is such a darkness that surrounds you when you hide and try and cover up.....which reminds me of one of my favourite verses that shows us the opposite :

Hey Karolee.... I got it to work! I did it again and realized where I had gone wrong....thanks a bunch for your help!!!!