Be true to yourself!

To thine own self be true,

and it must follow, as the night the day,
thou canst not then be false to any man.

~William Shakespeare, Hamlet

This quote pretty much encompasses the experience I want to share with you.

Remember I shared with you how overwhelmed I had been with negative feelings about my practical after visiting the Nursing Home? Well I had another incident happen a few days earlier that confronted me face to face with that time too, but I had kept it to myself!

I was shopping with my sister in our local supermarket when out the corner of my eye I saw one of the ladies I had worked with at the Nursing Home. I am ashamed to admit this, but I avoided her and managed to do my shopping and leave the supermarket without her seeing me or having to talk to her.

What was I afraid of? I was scared to hear her say the words, "Well you didn´t last long did you?! It´s people like you who make this profession a laughing stock!!" or something along those lines.

As I was hiding behind the the boxes of crisps and the cleaning supplies, I tried to justify to myself why I couldn't´t handle talking with this lady and facing up to what had happened. The dreaded meeting never took place, but I left there feeling guilty and yucky inside.

Why? Because I knew I was running away, hiding and not facing up to what had happened. I didn´t want to admit failure and look blatant in front of her or anyone. I had stopped my practical... I couldn´t go on... and that was the truth... Why hide?...

I had nothing to loose really except my pride. Pride is pretending to be something that I am not... to be better than I really am.

I was like Adam and Eve in the garden hiding from God after they ate from the tree.

I was afraid of admitting I couldn´t finish what I had started... afraid of the consequences... Everything in me tried to convince me that being transparent was NOT the right way to go. What deceit!

I knew I was struggling with a false sense of humility....(which is pride ).... The Holy Spirit convicted me that I just had to accept and be up front about what had happened. To be honest and humble and in doing so I would find peace. To be true to God, myself and others. God would help me deal with whatever would arise as a result of the past.

I am ashamed now to say that I acted this way. I know that in hiding and running away you just magnify the problem and give room for lies to take over rather than lessen them.

I decided that I didn´t want to run away from it anymore... I wanted to face up to my failings and be humble and live openly with all that I am !

God in his mercy allowed me yesterday to meet yet another fellow worker from the Nursing Home while at the Market. I struck up conversation with her knowing that I could face all kinds of accusations. She was one of the few trained nurses in the Home and had always be helpful and caring to patients and fellow staff and towards me.

Inwardly I braced myself for the inevitable attack.....but you know what? It never came!!!!

She actually shared that she wasn´t working there any more because she had received a better offer to upgrade her studies and so took it. She even consoled me and confirmed the reality of some of my struggles!!! Talk about gob smacked!

It felt great!!! I felt great!!!

Not only because she had made me feel right about my decision at the time to leave, but also because I had decided to stand up for what I had done and be honest instead of running away and hiding. God gave me the grace to do it... and you know what.... I prefer that much more than running away!

I hope you would feel encouraged next time you find yourself in a similar situation to stand firm and be transparent and not run away..... ...God is faithful to help us with whatever might become of the particular situation we dread and to be at peace with yourself is well worth it! There is such a darkness that surrounds you when you hide and try and cover up.....which reminds me of one of my favourite verses that shows us the opposite :

Hey Karolee.... I got it to work! I did it again and realized where I had gone wrong....thanks a bunch for your help!!!!

To bite off more than one can chew!

To try to do something that is too difficult. If you bite off more than you can chew, you try to do more than you are able to.

Do your best. Do whatever you can, but don't bite off more than you can chew.

It has been busy since I last wrote...a trip to Guernsey, visitors and then beginning the practical of my studies at a Nursing home nearby.

I wish I could say that I am plodding away through my practical, enduring.... but I can only share that after one week I had to terminate this initiative.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place: to "abort" my practical with all the feelings of failure etc that accompany such a decision, and or to continue working in this situation that inspired such worry and anxiety to the extent that I wasn´t eating or sleeping??? It was a case of Hobson´s Choice! What was the lesser of the 2 evils?

On May 14th I started my first day in the Nursing Home and sadly instead of being a "shadow" to a profesional I was pretty much left to sink or swim. Thrown in the deep end as it were to fulfill the tasks of an auxiliary. It was frightening to say the least!

One is not dealing with mere files or books that can be moved about with out fear of damage or rather if they do get lost or harmed; no lives are at stake. But when you are dealing with people, this prospect takes on a whole different persepective plus a tremendous weight of responsability. I found this and other experiences I encountered there to be overwhelming....

One size too big!

I realized that this was not where I wanted to be headed....just like becoming an astronaut and experiencing G force is not on my 10 things I want to do before I die list!

I want to "be" with the dear ones and interact with them & somehow bring sunshine into their day but instead I found myself on a sort of factory line moving pieces from here to there and the more you get done the better.

The pace was intense because of lack of staff. I hasten to add that although they didnt acommpany me as they should; each one of those auxiliaries deserves a medal for the way in which they fulfill their duties with the limited time and energy they have. I take my hat off to them.

I recognize that I personally had reached my limits. Do I struggle with a sense of failure? Yes I do! I like to finish what I start.

Yet, I must be big enough to see that I am not super woman and this was just one size too big for me. I guess my pride has suffered a blow. I must not confuse passion with capacity and it is important to be level headed and honest with myself about my ability to step into this role. After all it´s not every ones thing.

I am encouraged though that I gave it a fair go... To recognize ones shortcomings is not an end, but rather a new opportunity to redefine the initial dream and the way to realize that dream. I have to keep persuing the dream...and try another via....

I am finding rest and peace in the comfort and support (especially from my husband and kids) that many have given me both in my initiation to study after 20 years and now in this moment where I have had to stop the practical. Inspite of my sadness, I do not feel without hope. I say with dear Alfred Lord Tennyson:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.

What?

Here I am with my oldest son , almost 16yrs, at the onset of the famous "changing of roles" that takes place between parents and children when a certain age is reached.....

THE AGE WHEN THEY TEACH US!!!!

As I looked at this foto, I thought how great it was that we had captured this moment on camera.

I appear to be somewhat less interested than I should be at No 1´ss intent to explain the intricacies of digital video cameras, don´t I? I don´t think I was as disinterested as I appeared, but this image has crystallized the end of an era.

The era when us Mum´s and Dad´s are no longer "all knowing" in our children´s eyes. It´s when we begin to ask the questions and they give the answers..... especially when it concerns modern cons like computers, digital cameras, gidjets and gadgets, and last but definitely not least: the latest generation of mobile phones!

I remember the feeling I had when this phenomenon happened to me. My chest burst with pride as I explained to my parents something they didn´t know and I couldn´t help but savour the feeling that somehow I was on par with them... at least on one level!

You have reached the moment when your opinon is valued in your parents eyes as that of a peer and no longer that of a child. If the parents respond well to this "reverse of roles", it can be a tremendous boost to the self esteem of any child, as my personal experience has shown me.

So, sitting on this couch with my son explaining the newest digital technology, I knew that he needed me to fill up the hot air balloon of his self esteem and let it soar high! I trust I did just that even though the picture appears to give credit to the opposite!

Sadly, not all areas of growing up and maturing are as straight forward as being knowledgeable in the technical department! As we look back at our teenage years, I have yet to meet anyone who would want to relive the hormonal, roller coaster ride of their puberty years!

Do you remember the first time you fell in love? (I can see that sparkle in your eyes!!!!) Do you remember first time your heart was broken? (how quickly that sparkle went!!!)How about the frustration of "what will they think?" and "what will they say if....." And the fear to top all fears .... not to stand out for whatever reason!

If we compare our "experience" of yesteryear with now, we realize that we wasted alot of energy suffering and agonizing over things that wouldn't even take a wink of sleep away now. How we wish we could have calmed our fears back then with the knowledge we have today.

The hard thing is when you are going through the trial, those classic pep talks and black and white one size fits all solutions, don´t seem to hit the spot do they. Like when your heart is broken, and with all the well meaning, heartfelt desire to help in the world they say, "Don't worry, there are plenty more fish in the sea!!" And you say..... "I don´t care about the other fish..... I wanted THAT fish!"

The reality is, that you are not really looking for an answer or a solution. You just want to have your feelings validated and then a hug that says.... I know how hard it must be. With that, you feel that maybe, just maybe this present pain will with time fade and maybe just maybe, there might be someone more wonderful than wonderful waiting around the next bend.

God knows about that kind of pain and our need to hear that voice of reassurance. I remember one of those moments and this was the verse God gave me which soothed my heart ache and comforted my soul.

John 13:7

You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."

I remember how it felt to the ache that was in my heart....It wasn´t a made to fit solution, not you will get over type of answer, but it gave me the assurance that God knew what I felt right now. I didn´t need to have the details... just know, that someday all this hurt, confusion and even pain that I was feeling, later He would let me understand.

It´s hard to see children, family and friends suffer, but they don´t always needs answers or solutions...just to know that we understand their present pain, that it is real and valid. This is the greatest offering of friendship one can give.

Family reunites!

Yes today was the big day... the arrival of my two boys after 19 days away! I am very excited to have them home , but I have to admit that part of me still wants to live "boylessness" a little while longer!!! Here are a few selected pics froNo 1 and No 2 during their 19 days away!!! No 2i is in the second row from the front, right hand side, behind the girl with glasses! This is taken in the football stadium in Berlin for a big event called "Calling all Nations" that took place July 14th. Sadly for some reason, these two pics of No 1 aren´t as clear and big as I would like! The top one is in Berlin and the bottom is him playing lead E-guitar in the 10 day band he formed in La Industria - ! I was very proud of him when we saw him up in Santander 2 weekends ago for the final day of the KK bootcamp/La Industria E-Guitar course CONCERT.

No 2 also was one of the main attractions of the evening, delighting all percussion fans with his drumstick expertise and roars of his name echoing from the crowd! I can only say that my chest was definitely swelling !! Is this kind of pride a sin? Not only were they tops musician wise, I heard

endless comments as to their positive influence in the team and leadership qualities. "They were a pleasure to have with us!"

I can only say that my heart is always warmed when I hear positive comments about our offspring and it encourages me during those moments when I am maybe not "seeing the good" as much as I should. Which reminds me of a book a real dear friend loaned to me with the boys were very small, which had a chapter called, "Slow bake cookies."

A small smirk covers my face even as I write this, because I remember the anguish I felt at wanting them to be "perfect gentlemen" from day one. Somehow, I expected that training a child they way he should go, wouldn´t take years! That certain issues would be resolved early on, leaving other stuff for later.

But as the title of the chapter says, our kids are slow bake cookies and that requires years of investment, tears and joys before they reach maturity. Hey, I just have to look at myself and realize some of the things that I have been learning NOW and I am, well, how old?

So hearing these beautiful descriptions of my two boys makes me remember the years of investment that only now seems to be yielding it´s harvest because of God´s grace and intervention.

I used to believe that I had more of a hand in this, and I´m not knocking our responsibility and need to teach our children, but as time progresses, it only proves to me that it´s by God´s grace I stand and that they stand and will stand.

Thank you God for allowing me to see you in my Boys!

My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, "You're tearing up the grass." "We're not raising grass," Dad would reply. "We're raising boys." ~Harmon Killebrew

The Black Hole

Black Hole: Loosely speaking, a black hole is a region of space that has so much mass concentrated in it that there is no way for a nearby object to escape its gravitational pull.

This is the 3rd time I try and sit down to write about my own personal black hole, only to have it lost in the black hole of cyberspace!!!..... so here we go again!

Last week I was confronted again with my inner black hole.

Yes, I don´t know if we all have one... but I know I do.... It´s like seeing yourself face to face in the mirror.... those parts of you that rear their ugly head once in a while, areas in your life you would rather wish away, your gross weaknesses stand blatant before you and you feel yourself being pulled, without escape, into that black hole in your soul, where if were not for the GRACE of GOD would we disappear forever without trace. Yes, I am talking about those"thorns" in our flesh that we beg God to remove, but He graciously denies, rather promises to draw us through whatever our "thorn" may be into a place of victory.

As I was faced with my black hole or "thorn", I wanted so desperately to hide it from myself and others... somehow protect my "fate", "my pride", my innermost "shame" at my gross short comings, utter inadequacy and what most deeply hurts: my failure.

When we have a splinter, or thorn in this case, in our flesh, it so desperately hurts when it is touched or knocked, other than that, you can continue living "inspite of" it´s apparent existence. My thorn had been knocked and I was re-confronted (is that a word?) with the nearness of my black hole. It hurt and I wanted so desperately to run..... But where can your run from yourself?


I felt myself being pulled by the minute, seemingly without escape, into my black hole and all I could do was to cry in my pain to God..... Only then did I realize that my black hole has power when I believe that there is no hope. No hope, that I can change, that the situation can change or that God can do the impossible. Or maybe that God indeed might not take away my struggles, giving me instead the grace to walk through my dis mull failures....

I guess this entry goes to all those people who see me as the eternal optimist, that are innocently unaware of the deep waters that often stir my soul and overwhelm me with feelings of utter inadequacy beyond measure. To all of you.... I can only say my level optimism is matched with an equal depth of pessimism. Somehow in all of that, God manages to still love me and I am not lost into my black hole, never to return.

I watched a movie last week that kind of echoed a feeling I felt at that very moment: "You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found: WANTING." Man, how often do I hear these words echo in my soul.... you have been found WANTING... and boy does it make you want run into the black hole and not even wait for it to pull you in!!!!

2Cor 12:7
And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

So why didn´t I fall into my black hole? Because God showed my that inspite of myself, He is still God.... inspite of my failings, God is able to work and do miracles....I mustn't trust in myself.... Only in God.

God free me of my pride!