Be true to yourself!

To thine own self be true,

and it must follow, as the night the day,
thou canst not then be false to any man.

~William Shakespeare, Hamlet

This quote pretty much encompasses the experience I want to share with you.

Remember I shared with you how overwhelmed I had been with negative feelings about my practical after visiting the Nursing Home? Well I had another incident happen a few days earlier that confronted me face to face with that time too, but I had kept it to myself!

I was shopping with my sister in our local supermarket when out the corner of my eye I saw one of the ladies I had worked with at the Nursing Home. I am ashamed to admit this, but I avoided her and managed to do my shopping and leave the supermarket without her seeing me or having to talk to her.

What was I afraid of? I was scared to hear her say the words, "Well you didn´t last long did you?! It´s people like you who make this profession a laughing stock!!" or something along those lines.

As I was hiding behind the the boxes of crisps and the cleaning supplies, I tried to justify to myself why I couldn't´t handle talking with this lady and facing up to what had happened. The dreaded meeting never took place, but I left there feeling guilty and yucky inside.

Why? Because I knew I was running away, hiding and not facing up to what had happened. I didn´t want to admit failure and look blatant in front of her or anyone. I had stopped my practical... I couldn´t go on... and that was the truth... Why hide?...

I had nothing to loose really except my pride. Pride is pretending to be something that I am not... to be better than I really am.

I was like Adam and Eve in the garden hiding from God after they ate from the tree.

I was afraid of admitting I couldn´t finish what I had started... afraid of the consequences... Everything in me tried to convince me that being transparent was NOT the right way to go. What deceit!

I knew I was struggling with a false sense of humility....(which is pride ).... The Holy Spirit convicted me that I just had to accept and be up front about what had happened. To be honest and humble and in doing so I would find peace. To be true to God, myself and others. God would help me deal with whatever would arise as a result of the past.

I am ashamed now to say that I acted this way. I know that in hiding and running away you just magnify the problem and give room for lies to take over rather than lessen them.

I decided that I didn´t want to run away from it anymore... I wanted to face up to my failings and be humble and live openly with all that I am !

God in his mercy allowed me yesterday to meet yet another fellow worker from the Nursing Home while at the Market. I struck up conversation with her knowing that I could face all kinds of accusations. She was one of the few trained nurses in the Home and had always be helpful and caring to patients and fellow staff and towards me.

Inwardly I braced myself for the inevitable attack.....but you know what? It never came!!!!

She actually shared that she wasn´t working there any more because she had received a better offer to upgrade her studies and so took it. She even consoled me and confirmed the reality of some of my struggles!!! Talk about gob smacked!

It felt great!!! I felt great!!!

Not only because she had made me feel right about my decision at the time to leave, but also because I had decided to stand up for what I had done and be honest instead of running away and hiding. God gave me the grace to do it... and you know what.... I prefer that much more than running away!

I hope you would feel encouraged next time you find yourself in a similar situation to stand firm and be transparent and not run away..... ...God is faithful to help us with whatever might become of the particular situation we dread and to be at peace with yourself is well worth it! There is such a darkness that surrounds you when you hide and try and cover up.....which reminds me of one of my favourite verses that shows us the opposite :

Hey Karolee.... I got it to work! I did it again and realized where I had gone wrong....thanks a bunch for your help!!!!