Thursday, September 27, 2007

Be true to yourself!

To thine own self be true,
and it must follow, as the night the day,
thou canst not then be false to any man.


~William Shakespeare, Hamlet
This quote pretty much encompasses the experience I want to share with you.
Remember I shared with you how overwhelmed I had been with negative feelings about my practical after visiting the Nursing Home? Well I had another incident happen a few days earlier that confronted me face to face with that time too, but I had kept it to myself!


I was shopping with my sister in our local supermarket when out the corner of my eye I saw one of the ladies I had worked with at the Nursing Home. I am ashamed to admit this, but I avoided her and managed to do my shopping and leave the supermarket without her seeing me or having to talk to her.

What was I afraid of? I was scared to hear her say the words, "Well you didn´t last long did you?! It´s people like you who make this profession a laughing stock!!" or something along those lines.

As I was hiding behind the the boxes of crisps and the cleaning supplies, I tried to justify to myself why I couldn't´t handle talking with this lady and facing up to what had happened. The dreaded meeting never took place, but I left there feeling guilty and yucky inside.

Why? Because I knew I was running away, hiding and not facing up to what had happened. I didn´t want to admit failure and look blatant in front of her or anyone. I had stopped my practical... I couldn´t go on... and that was the truth... Why hide?...

I had nothing to loose really except my pride. Pride is pretending to be something that I am not... to be better than I really am.

I was like Adam and Eve in the garden hiding from God after they ate from the tree.

I was afraid of admitting I couldn´t finish what I had started... afraid of the consequences... Everything in me tried to convince me that being transparent was NOT the right way to go. What deceit!

I knew I was struggling with a false sense of humility....(which is pride ).... The Holy Spirit convicted me that I just had to accept and be up front about what had happened. To be honest and humble and in doing so I would find peace. To be true to God, myself and others. God would help me deal with whatever would arise as a result of the past.
I am ashamed now to say that I acted this way. I know that in hiding and running away you just magnify the problem and give room for lies to take over rather than lessen them.

I decided that I didn´t want to run away from it anymore... I wanted to face up to my failings and be humble and live openly with all that I am !





God in his mercy allowed me yesterday to meet yet another fellow worker from the Nursing Home while at the Market. I struck up conversation with her knowing that I could face all kinds of accusations. She was one of the few trained nurses in the Home and had always be helpful and caring to patients and fellow staff and towards me.

Inwardly I braced myself for the inevitable attack.....but you know what? It never came!!!!
She actually shared that she wasn´t working there any more because she had received a better offer to upgrade her studies and so took it. She even consoled me and confirmed the reality of some of my struggles!!! Talk about gob smacked!
It felt great!!! I felt great!!!
Not only because she had made me feel right about my decision at the time to leave, but also because I had decided to stand up for what I had done and be honest instead of running away and hiding. God gave me the grace to do it... and you know what.... I prefer that much more than running away!
I hope you would feel encouraged next time you find yourself in a similar situation to stand firm and be transparent and not run away..... ...God is faithful to help us with whatever might become of the particular situation we dread and to be at peace with yourself is well worth it! There is such a darkness that surrounds you when you hide and try and cover up.....which reminds me of one of my favourite verses that shows us the opposite :






Hey Karolee.... I got it to work! I did it again and realized where I had gone wrong....thanks a bunch for your help!!!!

9 comments:

Knit-Wit said...

I'm glad it's working - and I love the signature you chose.

I think you know yourself enough to know that working in a nursing home isn't what God called you to do. I don't know all of what happened while you were there, but they must have been some pretty strong messages for you to leave and find something different. You cannot be of any use to the residents if you do not enjoy your job. God will place the right people there and He will place you were you need to be.

We had a similar experience with a job last summer. We thought the Caribbean would be a lovely place to live, but almost from day one we kept bashing up against closed doors and walls in both my husband's job and in searching for housing. We felt horrible, but after six weeks we turned in our notice and left the island. We took this job in Montana and have felt such a peace in knowing that this is where God intends us to be.

Terri said...

I'm glad that you decided to talk to the 2nd person. How much more encouraging that must feel.
I LOVE your new signature. Now you'll have to tell me how to do it!

Ally said...

Hey Terri,
thanks for the encouragment... I left a comment on your blog about how to do the signature!

A Captured Reflection said...

Your background and signature are awesome. Ally what you went through here - hiding behind the crisps. This is the story of my life! I
battle this one on and off over the years, I call it my 'one more time around Mt Sinai' Lord. I've had some big breakthroughs and then I have a 'bad not social period' and baboom I'm hiding again, rather than admit - hey I'm feeling like being quiet. I have a christian neighbour (single Mum) who as soon as she hears us in the garden wants our daughter to play with her wee girl, or as soon as it is the holidays wants to come over, and I (telling the truth here) find my home my castle and don't like being accessible at other's fancies. Making playdates is fine. I've not let the children play in the garden for nearly a year at weekends because I don't want to be put in the spot to say - sorry today doesn't suit. See my weakness? This is the thorn in my side, my introversion and at times I just don't want to do a certain thing. She rang on Wednesday and I said - sorry not free these holidays as hubby is taking his first holiday of the year. She wasn't happy with me (she is strongwilled) and these are the folk I tend to 'avoid', strong willed ones, 'cos I like to be free to do whatever, whenever at times where structure is not required. I felt so bad saying no as I hate to hurt people, then bad because I even wanted to say no, and then cross that it's her 'fault' I have to say 'no'. So if you could pray for me too through this to see victory, I'd be so grateful. It's plagued me all my life! Time to expose.

Masked Rabbit said...

Ah you've hit the nail on the proverbial here. It's that thing of not wanting to look foolish,stupid or a quitter, like I mentioned in my post yesterday.
And you name and shame it...it's pride. One of my biggest thorns.

I hate to accept that there are things I am not good at, things I have no apptitude for or that there are simply some people who are better than me at a given task. I don't like to feel "inferior". I also don't like to admit when I've made an error of judgement in a decision. And that is pride with a capital P.
As for the dread, fear of what people think, fear of confronting myself, oh yes, I relate to that. And yet often, when we do, we can experience what you experienced meeting the second lady, no recriminations, sometimes vindication of an action.

Way to go, Ally. This is a special post.

A Captured Reflection said...

There is a theme today - my 'real' life blog friend just put up this post
http://fireball.lifewithchrist.org/permalink/35312.html

Cheri said...

Ally,
I found your blog through my sister's (Terri and her Talk).
I love this post because I know I struggle with the same thing- I think a lot of people do. I bet it did feel great to conquet that fear and have such a positive outcome. Thanks for sharing!
Cheri

Bonnie said...

Ally,
What an amazing post. I was gripped from the first sentence ! I can so relate ! How many times have I hid behind a grocery store item ? Or pretended not to see someone ? so I wouldn't have to face up to some perceived rejection or level of discomfort. I'm actually relieved to know I'm not the only one ... and better still, that someone I've always looked up to ( yes, you ! ) has done it as well ! Thanks for sharing !! I'm glad that you got the second chance to be transparent. Sometimes that chance never comes around again ...

Bonnie said...

PS ... I'd love to do a signature too. Will you teach me how ?