What not to do when EMILY arrives!

This is an imagine of Hurricane Emily.... and maybe this is the first thing that springs to mind when you hear the word Emily.... But that is not the one I am talking about today....

The first time I became acquainted with "Emily" was when I was 18 and freshly arrived in Spain. We are talking about 1983 and yes, now you can guess how old I am!

The phrase that my new American friend shared with me back then was, "Oh dear, Emily is coming for next week for a visit. I better get prepared!!!!"

Now not having been exposed to the Big Wide World (I had just left the island!) and being the unsuspected Brit that I was, I had absolutely NO IDEA who Emily was, why she was coming to visit or what exactly my dear friend had to prepare!!!!

Needless to say, it didn´t take too long for the proverbial penny to drop and all you women out there will recognize this visitor intimately! She comes once a month to us females and one simply MUST be prepared!!!



Emily, naturally was a code name. This was of course of great importance working in mixed company. One had to be able to discuss these things without the "other party" cottoning on to it! Just the mention of her name and the feminine crew will stand together as one in understanding and in support!

Yes, Emily brings a great big hormonal upheaval with her. Even though we know she is coming, somehow she always seems to catch us unawares.... I don´t know how that happens.

(now what would he know????)

I mean, I consider myself somewhat of a logical creature so why does this phenomenon always seem to catch me unprepared if it is so regular?

Well, as the years go by, I can only say that when the weepy feelings come accompanied with that mighty urge to bite some undeserving soul´s head off or having to resort to the "fat" clothes in your wardrobe... you just learn to not let these feelings get the better of you as opposed to being dominated by them....

It´s kind of like walking by faith and not by sight. You don´t allow that tainted vision to distract you from what you know is real and you learn to recognize that these feelings too shall pass.............

For a bit of fun I thought you would like to know what my years have taught me not to do just before and/or during a visit from a dear friend we all know and love.... Emily.....!!!!

1. Don´t decide to change your hair style.

Funnily enough I have had this urge happen to me several times over the years. Sadly on more than once occasion I have succumbed to it and consequently left the hairdresser in tears.

My advice: always wait a couple of days before you make this decision...sometimes things look better after a few days... and if not... you can still be radical and go for that super short cut that looks really good on famous people like Demi Moore!!!!!(not very often on REAL people!!)

2. Don´t go and try on clothes in your favourite shop

I honestly believe that even on non Emily days, the mirrors in clothing shop changing rooms do nothing for one´s self esteem. (You think they would cotton on to this and make mirrors offering a better reflection than reality consequently generating greater sales as people would buy more stuff) Anyway back to the point. ...

When you have Emily visiting, this experience seems to be multiplied out of all proportion and you body gains bulges and kilos before your very eyes. If you weren´t feeling bad before you went into the changing room, chances are you will feel very fat by the time you leave.... And this all happens before you even take the desired piece of clothing off the hanger to try it on...

I think there must exist some biological explanation for this, and that the hormones somehow play havoc on your retina, leaving your eyesight somewhat out of whack for a few days. My advice: leave well alone until hormone levels have been stabilized and normal eyesight is restored!!!!

3. Don´t go shopping for a speedo bathing cap!

Have you ever noticed that even the most beautiful woman can look horrendous as soon as she has one of those sleeky Lycra or plastic swimming caps on? This process of metamorphosis can happen to any unsuspecting female who attempts to do a few lengths in her local indoor pool to keep off the extra pounds by putting one of these deadly caps on.

It never ceases to amaze me that as soon as I put one of those endearing caps on my head, I become instantly ugly. My advice: avoid all contact with this vinyl head wear unless it´s absolutely necessary.

4. Never trust a mirror

For the same reason as mention above in point 2.

D.V. D. T. H. H. I.

(defective vision due to high hormonal influence)

Mirrors can not be trusted at this time for confirmation of beauty. One must rely solely on husband or best girl friends opinion to ride out this temporary deficiency.... My advice: a good dose of biblical truth never goes a miss . Great verse, "you are fearfully and wonderfully made!!!!" will help to keep this insecurity at bay.

5.Don´t do a meditation on all your defects, your spouses and kids defects, the worlds problems etc!

A tremendous temptation during Emily´s visit is to want to try and put the world to rights or focus in on everything that is going wrong in your life. This is a particularly difficult hormonal power to deal with at this time is called: focusing on husband´s faults hormone.

This hormone then triggers off another hormone that controls the mouth and voice box, consequently producing the following monologue:

"I mean it´s about time he knew what I go through and started to appreciate me more... I work around the house, fix his meals, take care of the kids... and he doesn´t even notice.... arg.... "

These words are usually followed by the incredible urge to run away....at least for a couple of days.... just long enough for the whole family to realize what a wonderful woman you are!!! This temporary dysfunction is an override of the basic well being system that is safely established on non Emily visits that often rights itself after a couple of days.

My advice: Tape your mouth with Duct tape or any other such adhesive to avoid verbal explosion or hysteria, bite your tongue or and re read your diary the 101 reasons why I love my husband/children/life written during a non Emily transition and this will work like an antidote...pretty much guaranteed!!!

I´m sure you can come up with more such ditties... but I didn't want to end this post on that note....

I wanted to say that my main antidote to survive Emily´s visits and other stresses and strains in life is: LAUGHTER!!!

Of course it goes without saying that once I leave my cares with the Lord and trust Him with what concerns me and mine, a whole hearted laugh is Nº 1 on my to do list. Yes I would put it right up there with a good cup of tea! Find something that you enjoy or find funny and tuck in.

I love watching "I love Lucy" or "Home Improvement". Both sitcoms always manage to break me into a smile and lift me up.

I have always liked a good laugh... humour was a staple in my home growing up and it seems that now, scientists have finally got the message and are declaring it "healthy" (the bible has said that for centuries...laughter does good like a medicine...)

There are even laughter therapies out there.... so ladies... don´t let Emily get you down.... turn your frown upside down.... and go on...have a good laugh.

Other "endorphin" freeing activities include singing (as if no one can hear you...you know...right from the heart....) and dancing (as if know one can see you... like really boogie to your favorite CD...whoa yeah..go girl!!!)

Oh yeah...before I forget... chocolate is beneficial to this hormonal state... so a few squares with a good dose of laughter and/or romantic movie is just what the doctor ordered.... REALLY!